I’ve been so busy throughout these past few days and into the nights that I inadvertently shun and ignore all of my personal thoughts until I lay down to sleep. I’ll be struggling to get to my bed; I’m exhausted. But once I cross that border and finally lie down, a floodgate opens, and no matter how hard I try to quell and to damn the break, I always end up drowning in the abyss of my formerly caged mind.
writing
you were the best dog, and that is undeniable. always unconditionally loving everything and everyone. i never met anyone that didn’t like you. you had an amazing life, and i had an amazing time sharing it with you. i still remember picking you out of the litter of all the other fluffy, adorable baby golden retrievers when i was 9 years old, and when i held you and cried after i finished the book where the red fern grows, and how you used to swim in the pond every day during the summer, and bite people’s hats off their heads when they were sledding down the hill in the winter. i knew today was coming, but that hasn’t made it any easier. i feel so hollow. i’ll never, ever again be able to look at that spot on the floor by the slider door the same, when one minute i felt your laboring, old heart beating, and the next, nothing. i love you, Keilo, unconditionally, just as you loved me, and will until the day my heart stops beating, too.
Going through changes
Replacing memories, superseding faces
Through my eyes, into my head
Rung and strung out; dead
Without any miracle
Not lacking a pinnacle
One without torment
Wish for that moment
The return key
Is not held by me
Recess.
On the plane to Rome this weekend, I came up with the analogy that my life is like recess right now. That’s it.
June.
Headlights were reflecting off the power lines. She knew a car was traveling on the road just over the hill, with orientation and movement opposite hers. Now it’s there. Who dimmed their high beams first she couldn’t remember. A half mile away. Car accidents had been on her mind recurrently. Physical pain or mental pain? Inquisitively she wondered what it felt like. Her philosophy was that mental pain was more grueling. But then she remembered a line from Fight Club, Brad Pitt saying after the car crash he purposefully inflicted on himself, “We just had a near-life experience.” Mature enough to know it was just a movie, eccentric enough to want to fully know. ‘Maybe I’ll remove my clenched hands from the wheel just before that car is about to pass and see what happens and see which way the car drifts, but maybe not’ was what she considered.
While still lost in her precarious state of mind, before she could make the final call, before she could choose which side of the maybe to fall on, that car with the opposite orientation and movement struck her head-on. What she was questioning had been answered without her having to try anything herself.
She woke up. She thought she did. She couldn’t open her eyes. But there was just one bright light, and sounds she had faintly heard before.
She (complete it. make your own ending.)
so ill sit and wait, hoping someone with you had a camera. ill look, maybe ill find, and ill judge your well-being based on the pictures online, as we turn from lovers to nothing.
why do i feel the need to atone for things that need none of it.
we stopped at a restaurant on the side of the mountain that is a volcano. the window frames made for great framing of the flowers.
Sierpe is the launching point to get to Drake Bay. You then proceed to take an hour boat ride down a river, then out on to the Pacific to get to Drake Bay. Sierpe is a tiny town, with a central square, a grocery store, and a soccer field. This kid was fishing with a hand line. I asked him if he caught many fish and if you could eat them. He told me he rarely did, and that you can eat them. I then asked if he was mad he doesn’t catch much, but all he said was he didn’t mind, and that he would get better someday.
This is the Rossio Train Station in Lisbon, Portugal. The architecture is incredible, with the facade outside being one hightlight, but the light inside might be even better.
San José, Costa Rica sits high, but judging from the juxtaposition with the surrounding landscape you wouldn’t know it. the elevation of the city is close to 4,000 feet. the elevation of the encircling mountains varies from 6,000 to 9,000 feet. you feel like you are in the bottom of a fishbowl, with the mountains being the sides, and instead of water there is a wind that circumnavigates the city that never seems to stop blowing.
Separate from my body
Autonomous are my feet
No choice is what I have
To be pulled down the street
Life dispensed with gradual
This situation seems perplexing
Are we sitting and watching
Or are we directing
Δ
Maybe it’s a triangle. One side is where you’ve been, another being where you are, and the last is where you’re going. Or similarly, the sides parallel what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. One side of the triangle will always be touching the other two; trying to efface one side is impossible. What’s happened is affecting the now and affecting what will happen, and where you’ve been has gotten you where you are and is shaping where you’re going. It seems that we’re in the middle; powerless to the concurrent pull of the three sides.
so you’ll write, and play, and strum, and run, and shoot, and see, and edit, and drive, and smoke, and drink, and walk, and look, and listen, and hug, and miss, and crawl, and fall, and fly, and cry, and sum things up, and analyze, and at the end you are the only one who can balance that equation; the only one who can be the basis of good to reach that next level, alone or accompanied, of great.
